Diary of an Ungrateful Nomad

It's week 8. Since we've gotten down to Southern California, our schedule has been crazy busy. We're always running from a screening to another, which has resulted in a huge lack of sleep. What's odd is that despite the increase in the number of screenings, we seem to be always looking for housing in this area. (For those who don't know, we rely primarily on our contacts from screenings for places to crash.) Last night, we had to sleep in a study room at a college, which is something that I would have never agreed to, if I weren't a nomad. I was thankful that our contact was trying so hard to find us a place but a part of me was thinking I'd rather sleep in the van than to be seen by other college students. I felt like a homeless. But then I realized, "wait, I AM homeless!"

I've been realizing that sometimes I let myself get discouraged by looking at other people living their "normal" lives and comparing myself to them. What these comparisons bring in result are obviously not very pleasant. As you guys know, I'm a "nomad." It's already been two months living out of the van. We sleep on hard floors a lot of times, sometimes in small dorm rooms.

Life of a nomad can't be fancy or comfortable. We're constantly on the move. After finishing a screening or spending time with our contacts, which usually goes until late at night, we have to wake up early the next morning, either to rush to a screening or because we have to leave whenever our contacts have to leave. We eat a lot of junk food and rarely get homemade food. I honestly could go on for hours if I let myself. Compared to the life I used to live back at home, even those of most people I know, this life of a nomad is very uncomfortable. The greatest thing about it, though, is that the more uncomfortable my life is becoming, the more I'm learning to embrace it.

The past few months of my life as a nomad have been more simple than ever. I've learned to be grateful for a floor to sleep on, for the food we get, even if you've had the same kind of food for the past week straight, embrace the fact that it's nearly impossible to stay fit or thin on the road (in other words, let go of any desire to work out and eat healthy), and not freak out about bugs or roachies moving around right next to me. And if you knew me well, you should be shocked right now because y'all know I used to not be like this- at all. I was the girl that got to eat anything she wanted, didn't have the guts to even kill bugs when she saw them (I would literally run out of the room and not go back in for an hour if I saw a bug), brushed her teeth 4-5 times a day and woke up early in the morning to go to the gym. This crazy nomad life is teaching and humbling me a lot. I'm learning how much time and energy I had been wasting on things that are so unnecessary. I've learned to tell myself it's OKAY to sleep on the floor in tiny dorm rooms, wash up and get ready in public restrooms.

I was at a college to speak and looking at girls in their cute outfits, fancy shoes and bags made me... a little jealous, to be honest. Once I let this comparison take over my thinking, I started to think that I looked awful next to these pretty people. I remember this one time Dan and I were at a church screening and as a girl passed by us, Dan looked at me and said, "I can't wait to go back and dress cute."

Sometimes I have to literally tell myself to think about what I'm working for. I have to tell myself that I'm doing bigger things now. I'm sowing the seeds, reminding people of God's calling to seek justice, telling the world to care about this forgotten country, and being a voice for the voiceless. In the middle of my ridiculous complaining sessions (which are usually internal) and ungrateful moments, I literally cut myself and say, "RACHEL LEE, NORTH KOREA!" Then my soul becomes silent. Hahaha. It's funny that I need to remind myself of this sometimes. I feel like it should always be following me - the reason why I've given up 5 months of my life to live on the road. Every part of a nomad's life, from the tour van to LiNK gears to unwashed clothes to heavy backpacks and sleeping bags, should be the daily reminders that I'm a nomad for North Koreans. But it's been hard last couple days. Constant prayers are necessary.

Praying with: John 8:36. "If the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed"
I want to be free from self-pity and pride!

***

Last Sunday, Andrew and I had an amazing screening at a church in Torrance. I always love church screenings because it's easier for me to share my personal testimonies on how I got called to be a nomad and about God's heart for North Koreans on stage. This screening was especially incredible because, as part of the event, they reserved a time of worship and intercessory prayer for North Korea. While I was sitting down and praying, a brother came up to me, put his hands on my shoulder and said, "Listen carefully to the words to this next song that will be playing. These words are what God wants you to hear tonight. This is how he feels about you." A few moments later, the song began with the beautiful sounds of the acoustic guitar and piano. Then the worship leader started singing,

"Your voice is sweet

Your face is lovely

Come, come away, my beloved one."

.
.
.

I'm happily in a relationship with this beautiful man named Jesus.
His perfect love makes me cry and laugh at the same time.
He's perfect for me; I trust and love Him.